Friday, November 4, 2016

Archived: The Defeat That Wasn't



In your silver strains,
your crooked smile,
and your worn off shirt, I saw a defeat.

In plans about your works,
your project, your future endeavours,
and how they fall after you met me, I saw a defeat.

In the blood that stains your mouth,
your cold palms,
and the water that streams down my eyes, I saw a defeat.

In the voidness of the room,
the silent that bears my screams,
and the way I shake your being, I saw a defeat.


My dearest, dearest, darling,
If you and I were to be put in a war,
I'd be winning over your reign,
and you'd be losing over your throne.

My dearest, darling,
If you and I were to be put in a war,
a defeat and a heartbreak of one
would be a victory for another.

My dearest darling,
If we were to be put in a war,
I saw a defeat,
in the way we've lost us to our fate.

To the one who always say how lovely I look,
no matter how tired, messed up - or how many times I refuse to believe so.

To the one who's never tired fighting for me,
who woke me up from my emotional hibernation.

To the one who helped me grow, improve, and feel empowered,
who never stopped having faith in me.

To the one that matters,
the one that loves me unconditionally.

(PS: Let's watch Over The Garden Wall again, some other time)

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Archived: Spoken words fly away, written words remains.

Disclaimer: this piece of writing (including photos attached) does not belong to me, I have no copyright infringement nor creative contribution in making it - but it was dedicated to me, and for that, I am eternally grateful.


i guess none of us will know what the future hold for tomorrow

if i give you my freedom
will you hold it
is as if its your world?

if i give you my everything
out from nothing
will you see it as whole?

if i do the impossible
against the odds
will you still see me as a human?

if i took an arrow to the knee
will you pick me up
and walk by my side?

if i give you two keys
with you knowing fully what lies
which will you open for me?

if i give you all the things
that you never seen before
will you still seek what you lost?

dear you,
i am writing this out of the blue, amidst people shouting and screaming.
at times, i continue when i'm in a moving car.
it has been bothering me for awhile, and i cant seem to spit it out.
a lot has happened and i guess a lot will happen more.
i hope you'll stay.

but in the end, i would want you to know
you are my every reason
the things i do and i want to do

i guess i already told you this, but i will say this again:

you are both my salvation and my destruction 
at the same time. 

i am certain that in the end i'll be breathing or dead because of you.
and that 
is exactly what i want you to do to me. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Archived: An Informal Essay on My Sagittarian Lover


"Do you love me?" I asked, leaning closer.
"Unfortunately, yes"  you muttered.

I look closely into your closed lids and the lashes that latched on it.
Watching your chest going up and down,
your lips locked, and your wavy hair covered half of your face.
I am, utterly, desperately,
in love with you too.


I once had a Sagittarian lover.

He never made me doubt his feelings, no matter how much I've asked
"Hey, do you love me? Do you? 
Do youuuuuuu?" pressing my cheeks onto his shoulder while he was helping my workload.

He takes his steaks medium raw, without veggies, and refuses to eat any fruit nor drinks any juice after his meal.
The only fruits he'd eat would be kiwis, and lemon - dipped & drowned inside his cup of iced tea - with less ice.

He is full of pride - I've been with a Gemini whose pride and ego would surpass anyone I've known, so dealing with his was fairly easy.
Without me having to ask he'd put me on top of his pride and ego, and that worth more than any pots of gold combined.

He acts like a cocky little prick.
He'd swoon dozens of girls with words and gesture, yet stuttered and stumbled to find his way back to me saying
"I was desperate after you've pushed me away over and over. 
Tried to replace you with others. 
Tried to get rid of you from my mind. 
But in the end it made me more miserable than ever."

He's a well calculated guys, yet after weeks of contemplation, my drunk text made him book his ticket, flew him thousand miles away just to see me.
Said that seeing me worth his time and effort.
Said that his logic doesn't work when it comes to me - and I love him for that.

He labelled me his "Ice Queen".
Without his persistence, we'd only be strangers - or acquaintances at most,
missing out on our chances, our journeys of truth and revelations.

He woke me up from my emotional hibernation.
Bravely knocked down my walls and pushed out every other contenders to be with me.
Assembled my broken pieces, letting them pierced him while he was doing so.
My Sagittarian lover is beyond my comprehension, and I couldn't love him enough for that.

He'd assure me that I can cry and be miserable,
for that he knows and believes that I am a tough woman, someone who can handle my paths well.
He assured me that it was okay for me to be fragile,
He assured me that he accepts me for who I am, what I have, and what I was lacking of.

My Sagittarian lover, around people, is warm - yet distant.
Soft at heart, a thinker of its own kind.
He wouldn't share, he rarely tells.
His heart is a garden that blossoms on rare occasion.
His heart is a maze, fenced with high brick walls and wild plants.

He showed me a glance of his world, of something I've never seen before,
of knowledge I was never aware I'd be in touch with.
He opened himself up and waited patiently for me to slowly crawl from my shell.

He always makes me feel the most beautiful.
Jokingly say I look like the most delicious glazed donut with my highlighter and bronzer.
That for him it's unreal I still look gorgeous even with no make up,
eyes all puffed and my hair messy.

When he said I look pretty wearing just my turtle neck & jeans, his gazes would prove he actually was telling the truth.
When I'm putting my burgundy nail polish, or my dark lipstick, he'd notice by saying how grown up and alluring I look.

He adores me for my girl-next-door charm,
and loves me throughout my siren, temptress layers.
I've gotten his knees weak and wobbly
- and his heart, all melted and latched onto mine.

He would candidly take pictures of me,
splattered it with words that would give me toothache - to say the least.
He would come at me with compliments no matter how many times I shoo him off
- saying that's just how I look through his perspective.

And when I thought he'd stop showing how much he loves me,
or how beautiful he thinks I am once we're settling in - he never stopped doing so.
Each and every second, I feel so empowered, so beautiful, so very loved.

"Are you doing this so I feel happy...or?" I asked after he complimented how I look that day.

"No, woman, no. 
You are so beautiful I need to take a moment and reflect on your attractiveness,
sometimes it's unreal you want to be with someone who, well, looks like me."

"You're annoying." as I glance the other way around, hiding my flushed smile.
My Sagittarian lover always let me feel in sync with my femininity.
He would remind me the amount of time I take to get ready - yet never complained.
And after, he'd sniff the back of my neck, complimenting whichever perfume I was using that day.

Whether with my hair up, tied top knot, hair down, skirt, loose pants, tank tops, frilly blouse, jacket, light coat,everything I wore, he'd appreciate
- although his knowledge of fashion is equivalent to my knowledge of sport,
which is zero.

He used every ounce of his courage to ask me out - rejection after rejection.
Asked and listened to rambles about my day.
Smiled and stroke his hair everytime I do something he'd find adorable.
He let me strive and be a woman.
He let me have fun and be a girl.
He loves me as a person, he helps me grow as a soul.

My Sagittarian lover wouldn't stop bragging about how attractive,
how intelligent, and yet, how bad my sense of humour is - that God is fair above all.
He wouldn't stop raving about me to the point his friends exposed all of his silly rambles just to embarrass him.
He'd get his cheeks all red and scold them saying "Dude, really, I thought we're homies?"

My Sagittarian lover greeted me with "Hey, do you, by any chance, have a lighter?" in which my ex abruptly cut by offering his very own.
Little did he know, me, the girl he got his eyes on, was just few months out from her previous relationship.

My Sagittarian lover first laid his eyes on me even though I disliked him for stealing my seat on our mutual friend's housewarming party.
He'd steal a glance at me as I stole another one at him.
And the rest, was just a history.

Dear my little cheerub,
your little munchkin misses you so.
But worry not, I'm doing good - and I'll be doing even better and be even happier.

From the Joker to your Harley.
The Morticia to your Gomez.
The Bonnie to your Clyde.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Archived: An Informal Essay on My Sagittarian Lover (Prolog)


"You know, I am certainly, positive, that I love everything about you."

"Including those days when my eyebrows just constantly annoy me?"

"Including those days too.
Everything about you, really.
There's nothing I that I don't love, I mean, your 'lucky hair', too.
Your bones, your collar bones, your curves.
Your - well, annoying laughs.
Man, I wonder why those guys - I mean your exes, say that your laughs are cute.
They're lame, but I love them"

You snuggled me in, I giggled.

"Hey!Sometimes my laughters are cute! 
I mean, when it's not a mean or condescending laugh, that is.."

"Well, okay, I'll give you that.
I love your scent.
You smell so, so good.
I love your writing too."

"I feel attacked."

"I am, woman, attacking you."

I know how much you love my writing and I did promise I'll write some more.

"Yeah, I'll write some more later on, you see.."

"I love your writing. I mean it.
As (cough) one of many people who are (cough) excited to read your writing,
I am looking forward to read them."

"You're such an ass.
You're such a horrible smooth talker."

"I am in a lot of ways - and I'm well aware of this, but still, you love me.
Han, I genuinely enjoy your writing, it pierces my soul, it's so beautiful"

And you started to roll around, left and right, nagging like a little boy.

"It frustrates me whenever I clicked on your profile all I could see is a bloody skincare review
 - or stupid answer for teenagers' love life.
I don't need no skincare review"

"Joke's on you.
A review is still a piece of writing."

"Yeah....that's true.
Will you, I mean, if we ever, break up,
would say things like 'throwing words like sharp daggers' to describe our fight?
Would you?"

"Huh, wait what were you saying?
I don't get it?"

Confused, I squinted my eyes at you, trying to get whatever it is you were saying.

"You don't get the reference?
It's........from your own writing, old ones.
The one you had when you were with uh...?
Shoot, I look like such stalker."

"But you are -MY- stalker, in a sense.
Just make me wanna stomp off on your pride even more - and no, 
I don't remember writing that.
Must be an old one?"

"Now you see?
When I say I like your writing I genuinely meant it!
Even if it made me look like a stalker."

Both giggled. Shared one, two, quadruple kisses before we carried on the convo.

"Have we, by fate, happen to encountered each other?
Have I, by chance, missed you on my route of finding myself?"

Holding on my giggles. Cheeks blushed all the way to my ears.

"Are you fucking kidding me?
You're reciting words from my blog???"

"I read it so often,
every time I check the page I haven't got any taste of your new writing.
Just to prove you that I genuinely enjoy reading your words."


"If You Read This Let Me Know - it's too sad.
And then, Silent Knocks.."

And I cut you off, hiding my obvious, reddish cheeks.

"I know, your favourite one, Pas Volé, Mais Perdu?
Am I right?"

I helped you with the title, simply because I know you can't pronounce french. 
You then kissed my eyelids and let my lashes flutter on your cheeks for a while before we smiled ever so widely at each other, and giggled.

"YES THAT - you read my mind again.
I even liked the one you wrote in
Bahasa. When was it?
The one where you went to London?"

I stood still, raising my brows, thinking for a split second.

"Uh, last year? Or 2 years ago?
 I'm not good with dates - it wasn't even on my blog, 
it was on my tumblr!

"I genuinely like your writing."

You flaunt your smirk. Your winning, sly, devilish smirk.

"You know it well, I stopped writing because,
back then said he didn't enjoy my writing.
Too emotional, he said."

"Jokes on him! Are you crazy?
Jokes on him."

I laughed it off.

"Yeah, I unconsciously took his words by heart - he was important - or I was too naive.
We dated for years.
It took me two years and I was thinking 'eh, why did I even stop?' sort of"

"Yeah, but even now, you haven't even been updating your writing!
You have no more excuses, lady."

"Well, first you've got a general overview of my writing, on 
Then a more personal one, my blog, 
then, you even know what my tumblr is,
you greedy butthole."

"I can't help it.
When a damn fine woman who's smart and knows lots of things writes,
you can't help but wanting to know the maze in her thought, don't you?"

I bit my lower lip, squeezing and nibbling on your cheeks before I proceed to throw myself on top of you.
We giggled some more as I drenched my skin with the warmth of your being.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Archived: Catatan Panjang Bulan Februari

Love Paranoia by Tame Impala
Saliva by Mew

Ditengah gemuruh angin celotehmu memecah langit muram London.
Baru beberapa minggu setelah 2014 merelakan tahtanya ditumbang.
Yang awal mulanya keluh kesah tentang saudaramu, berubah jadi gelak tawa.
“Hari ini gue banyak ngomong ya?” tanyamu.
“Lumayan” tukasku seraya melihat rautmu  “Nggak papa sih, namanya juga lagi kesel kan” 
Sesekali timbul tanya dalam hati, tentangmu yang kerap menghabiskan waktu merajut kata dalam pikiran ketimbang menyuarakannya untuk didengar oranglain.
“Kapan terakhir kali kamu senyaman ini bercengkrama?" dan 
"Selain denganku, kepada siapa kamu bisa berbagi selepas ini?”
Lantas, ketika sempat kamu berucap mengenai gadis yang kau dekati
dan tidak juanya ia memenuhi jiwamu, ingin aku menyeletuk
“Lupa yang ngerti isi kepala & keabsurdan lo itu gue?"
Namun aku memilih diam.
Karena aku malas kalau guyonku disambut celotehmu yang kerap tajam.

Aku membiarkanmu terus bercerita.
Sesekali aku tergelak, mencibir, mengerenyitkan dahi.
Sesekali kamu membelalakan mata, menaikan suaramu, memimikan gelagat orang lain.
Waktu bergulir terburu-buru, matahari lekas dilahap kelam.
Dalam genggammu, jemariku mengecap hangat. 
Celotehmu berlanjut mengenai tulisanmu, 
bukumu, lebih tepatnya.
Lagi lagi kita tergelak,
Aku, dengan kencangnya, 
Kamu, dengan senyum lebar dan binar matamu.
Lucunya, disaat kita saling berujar & terbuka, begitu mudahnya kita bercengkrama,
seakan isi kepala satu sama lain saling bertaut. 
Nyaman. Aneh ya? Kututup dalam-dalam pikiran itu.
Yah namanya sudah kenal lama, wajar saja kalau nyaman.

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Selera humormu masih sama.
Gerak gerikmu masih kaku.
Tidak semua orang bisa — atau mau mencoba, mengenalmu lebih.
Bagiku itu terasa mudah, seakan memang itulah yang seharusnya.

Mungkin kamu tahu sesuatu yang aku tidak ketahui.
Mungkin kita sama-sama tidak tau apa-apa.
Mungkin pada akhirnya kita memilih saling diam dan pura pura tidak tahu.
Sampai semua rasa hilang ditelan sunyi,
atau berubah jadi pahit kesalahpahaman.
Lalu dalam diam, terbesit dalam benakku sekiranya kamu tahu,
dahulu sempat ada manifestasi rasa rindu dan doa untuk kebaikanmu.
Begitu besar rasa sayang kita kepada satu sama lain, sampai kerap khayalakpun berdecak memuji. 
Kalau mereka saja bisa melihat, apalagi kita yang saling merasa?
Setidaknya akupun merasa dan melihat hal tersebut, karena sempat begitu besarnya usahaku memperjuangkan kita.
Begitu besarnya rasa sayang kita pada satu sama lain dan begitu kerasnya kita pernah terbentur.
Sejujurnya (mungkin) kita sudah terlalu nyaman seperti ini.
Sepertinya kekosonganmu sudah terisi oleh egomu, and semakin angkuh - namun ringkih, sosokmu di mataku.
Akupun mulai mengesampingkan perasaanku, lalu menukarnya dengan logika — atau, sesama ego.
Mungkin ribuan kata, gelak tawa, guratan kening, 
rengkuhan lengan dan tautan jemari belum jadi alasan yang cukup kuat.
Mungkin seberapa besarpun keinginanku untuk mengasihi dan membiarkan waktu dan perhatianku kau curi,
rasa takut dan pertimbanganku nyatanya lebih besar.
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Ada yang bilang kalau jodoh tak akan kemana.
Diantara segala kecocokan kita, sempat aku berfikir apakah mungkin saja,
“Semesta masih memperjuangkan kita, anak manusia yang mungkin terlalu lugu?
Terlalu buta?
Terlalu keras hati?”

Setelah mengecup dirimu saat itu pula aku tersadar, kamu bukan lagi sosok yang aku inginkan.
Aku butuh sosok yang lebih kuat dari kamu yang dulu kukenal.
Bukan hanya untuk bertahan, tetapi saling melindungi.
Bukan hanya melindungi diri, tetapi berani merebut dan menjaga isi hatiku.
Bukan hanya untuk berucap logika, tapi berbagi isi hati.
Saat itu aku sadar kamu bukan lagi sosok yang aku mau.
Aku tersadar aku terlalu takut dihantam oleh rasa sakit yang sama, 
maka  aku mengesampingkan pertanyaanmu beberapa hari kemudian.

Mungkin suatu hari, di saat kita sudah sama-sama dewasa dengan kesibukan masing-masing,
Di saat luka sudah mengering,
Cerita kita akan muncul ditengah percakapan,
Kemungkinan besar, dengan guyon yang dipaksa nyempil di sana sini.

Because hey, that's what you do best, no?
Covering everything with humour
making people think as if their matter is not important.
You're that person who is never direct about your feelings.
Akhirnya, bagaimanapun kita, khalayak dan Tuhan sekalipun malaikat menyayangkan dan mempertanyakan,
apa artinya bila kita akhirnya hanya memilih berenang-renang di air dangkal pertemanan, 
takut dengan kelam laut didepan mata?
Ah sudahlah. Cukup.
Jemariku ini pun sudah mulai pegal rasanya.
Akupun tahu ada perbedaan diantara wanita yang menyerah, dan wanita yang memang berjuang hingga lelah.
Saat ini aku menutup hati sembari membuka celah kecil agar aku bisa melihat petarung lainnya. 
Yang rela mati-matian memperjuangkanku. 
Yang perhatiannya tidak membuatku merasa sangsi dengan perasaannya.
Yang menjadikanku pusat dari tata surya mereka - posisi di mana aku sempat menempatkanmu.
Yang berani menaruh gengsi di bawah perasaan - tidak seperti kamu. 

Dasar kamu bodoh. Dasar kamu pengecut.

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Tulisan ini,
Untuk segala kemungkinan dan ketidakmungkinan.
Untuk segala puji-pujian dari khalayak, betapa baik dan indahnya bila kita bersama.
Untuk segala rasa takut, rasa nyaman, rasa candu, dan perasaan lainnya
yang mungkin atau tidak mungkin, masih tersangkut di sela sela kalimat dan jemari. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Kucing Pemabuk di Unit Gawat Darurat

Open by Rhye
Didn't I by Darondo (cover by HONNE)

Perawat berbalut terusan putih menyiapkan jarumnya
Bulir merah dari nadiku mengalir melawan gravitasi
Menandakan dua jam lagi semua di ruang ini hendak tau penyebab lemah tubuhku

Aku masih menyayangimu, ucapmu tiba-tiba, menumbuhkanku sebongkah tanya
Terkejut dengan pernyataanmu, terlampau kalut untuk berbasa basi
Meracaulah aku menutupi kelu lidah


"Sial, sial, sial, telepon genggamku dibawanya ke luar."

Aku panik dan kaku
Kuacak-acak isi tasku
Kuputar-putar ujung rambutku
Dari ekor mata, kupelajari sosokmu

"Jangan ngomel begitu, main ini dulu saja, buat Hanna, disimpan ya."

Sebongkah mainan dalam genggammu
Miniatur kucing dan segelas minuman
Lekat gerakku diperhatikan
Dari ekor mata, kamu melihatku bagai kajian


Ratusan malam berlalu sejak kita memutuskan yang terbaik adalah saling berjarak
Puluhan minggu terlewat sejak surat terakhir berisi penjelasan seadanya kita beri
Namun subuh itu, di instalasi gawat darurat, berkali kamu belai rambutku

Sesak dadaku saat itu dipastikan bukan didalangi penyakit yang tertulis dengan tinta
Berkali kata 'sayang' kau luncurkan, macam terjun bebas sesuka hati
Tak lama perawat berbalut terusan putih memanggil namaku


"Jujur saja, melihat Hanna sekarang aku tenang akhirnya.
Senang melihat kamu dilimpahi kasih sayang.
Awal mulanya aku agak was-was,
Khawatir yang jelas."

"Nggak perlu khawatir, kamu selalu berlebihan, ya.
Aku kan kuat, tahan banting, jagoan.
Lagian, kamu, kok bisa-bisanya sih masih nyimpen perasaan sama aku?"

"Lah, kayaknya orang yang naruh hati sama kamu, 
kalau nggak bisa berpaling,
ya cari pengganti, pakai kamu jadi pembanding.

Pertanyaanku, kamu pakai pelet apa ya?"

"Ih, jahat banget.
Udah dibilang nggak pake pelet apa-apa juga."

"Hahahaha bercanda.
Eh sebentar, aku ke suster dulu,
Nama kamu dipanggil tuh"

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Satu sisi, misuh relungku karena begitu baiknya semesta
Rasanya tak pantas oleh orang-orang baik seperti kamu contohnya, begitu besar aku dikasihi
Bukan tak tahu bersyukur, tapi sering kulempar tanya alih-alih tafsirku keliru

Sisi lain, bahagiaku karena masih pantas jiwa lain memendam rasa
Memberi tahu isi hatimu yang kukira sudah terkubur dan mati
Terus dibelai rambutku saat gelap malam mulai diganti mentari yang masih malu

"Aku sayang kamu, perasaan itu masih ada, 
walau mungkin sekarang sudah berubah bentuknya.
Tidak ingin menjadikan kamu kekasih.
Sudah cukup senang melihat kamu bahagia dengannya."

Lalu mendengar itu aku hanya bisa tertegun. 
Aku rasa hening yang bisa memberi jawaban terbaik untuk pernyataanmu itu.

Terimakasih sudah sempat merawatku dengan segala keterbatasan waktumu di sini.
Sudah memberitahukan sisa-sisa perasaanmu.
Sudah memberikan penjelasan dan kejelasan untukmu, dan untukku.
Terimakasih atas keberanian dan usahamu, sungguh.

Tulisan ini, untukmu ribuan kilometer di sana.
Semoga kamu juga bahagia dengan pilihanmu - dan akupun akan turut bahagia.
Selalu kudoakan yang terbaik untukmu dan untuknya.

PS: Mereka (iya, termasuk kekasihku) yang meninggalkanku di ruang gawat darurat bersamamu ternyata tahu kamu (masih) menyimpan rasa sama aku, kekasihkupun sempat-sempatnya bilang lucu melihat matamu nggak bisa bohong.

PPS: Kekasihku? Nggak, dia nggak sebal sama kamu.
Malah dia kagum sama keberanianmu, kalau sempat nanti kita kumpul-kumpul lagi ya?
Kalau bisa jangan di instalasi gawat darurat.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Come and stay, I have piles of stories to share.

Sleepwalk by Santo & Johnny Fariana (1959) (click)
Jim James - State Of The Art (A.E. I. O. U.) (click)

So back then when I was turning 23, I realised I've been into this digital age of sharing bits of my thoughts and feelings through the screen for over - let's say - presumably a decade.

I met, lost, and rekindle, with lots of souls throughout the years.
Spent a good amount of ups and downs and ready for more to come.
I fear a lot and worry even more.
I just somehow can't wait to see how I'll develop as a woman,
as a person, as a soul.

I used to take a lot of photos - and I love it.
Even that word 'love' itself is an understatement.
Young Hanna thought that taking pictures means making her own time machine,
no matter how much time passed, people or places change, it preserves the memory - and she found that to be impeccably beautiful.
It's just so happened that knitting words is her second love, a close competitor after taking photos.

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Now I'm older and well aware that my memory serves to save, yet there are things that I can't just fumble forever - like conversations, places, memories that would be forgotten, eventually replaced.

So there I was, pinning down words from my head, to papers, through my pen.
Assembling paragraphs from my thoughts, to my screen, through my fingers.

For quite some time I keep everything for myself, archived and hidden.
(the story behind this? I'll get into that later on....probably.)

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My head is crowded with threads of thoughts and files of memories.
I want to document my life. I want to see how I develop.
As a woman. As a human. As a soul.
I want to make my tiny time machine, grazed with pictures,
laced with words, sealed with memories and feelings that fizzled into it.

Now everything I'm putting on the screen might be just a mere fraction,
a tiny part of what was, is, and will be going on inside of me,
but nevertheless, I am letting you to take a peek, inviting you in.

Come and stay around, make yourself feel at ease,
I'm starting by putting out some old archives of mine.


PS: this particular writing/ramble is dedicated to a really, really close person in my life, who forced me to carry on with it after reading through emails regarding my writings.
Now I'm getting back on my bandwagon,
I'm doing it for me, and I am thanking her for that.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Jars of Nature, Nurture, and Growth

There's a void hole in my existence, 
in which I used to store a whole jar of patience, 
a jar of acceptance, 
and another jar of forgiveness.

Everyday I used it to nurture the love I have for you, 
for example, every time you spilled a tablespoon of my patience,
I rushed back and scoop another one.

Every time you throw away a whole cup of my acceptance
- or refused to accept me for who I am - what I like or dislike,
I went in and fill the jar up.

And every time you steal a portion of my forgiveness,
I went silent,
I listened to your plea, 
and I forgave you for every time you begged me to,
by taking each and every grain in my jar.

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Now I am running out of those three ingredients.
My love for you is suffering, at the edge of its life.

It has turned into an undead, a zombie for example.
Alive, feeding aggressively on any possible source of nutrition
- or else, it will wilt,
becoming one with other feelings who were thrown away,
taken for granted, or dying of exhaustion.

Yet here I am, striving and living my life
- so stop thinking whenever I refuse to forgive you, you're moving forward and I am not. 

But if that makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead, keep believing in that. 

My jars for you are no longer there because you've decided to destroy it.

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And now look at you, you're angry at me, 
at yourself, at us.

Because for once, you've realised that I am human 
- with my own limits, doubts, and fears.

Because the jars that supposed to feed you are no longer there
- no matter how many times you try to fill it up with similar ingredients, it wont be full.

Because now you can no longer blame me for your lack of self control
- you've decided to believe in your own lies,
telling yourself and telling me that I am guilt tripping you - but what for?

You're angry because the shattered pieces of my broken jars cut you off every time you try to fix us.


You shouldn't come asking for someone's forgiveness by offering them your own 'terms & conditions'.

You shouldn't come asking for another chance by saying and doing things halfheartedly.

Monday, March 14, 2016

On The Shelf: Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum Review

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On my I began posting this specific photo whenever people ask stuffs about skincare/makeup items. I've got quite a lot of interests regarding 3 particular products: the blush, the red tube, and the winner; the green bottle.

With that being said, I kept on answering the product's name; Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum, and its availability - which as far as I know from a friend of mine, a beauty editor, hasn't been legally distributed here in Indonesia. 

(But of course you can get them if you're willing to snoop around online beauty stores)

Since the question is quite repetitive, I once promised a review for this serum will be mashed into one blog post.

So here we go, my first ever skincare/beauty product review.

Product's name: Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum.

Price: forgot how much did it cost in Korean won, but it's available for 26$ (some online shops here sell it for around IDR 270,000 - 320,000)

Use: written as serum, but I honestly just use it as daily moisturizer. 

General product review:

- Smells okay, good but not great. Tried several Innisfree product which scent I like better.
- Consistency is quite runny, slightly gel-like.
- The colour is greyish, not crystal clear, but won't affect the outcome of your makeup. 
- Absorbed very quickly into skin and doesn't leave it feeling sticky. 
- One or two pumps are enough to cover the entire face. 


- Very affordable. I didn't know it was 80ml until I've read the packaging, since it's not bulky at all. 
I have been using it for the last 8 months and I still have around 30% left. 
- With that being said, it's travel friendly. The bottle is rather small and light. The pump and cap will avoid any leaking. Definitely won't shatter and leaving your heart broken if you accidentally drop it since it is not made out of glass.
- It does the job really well. Moisturise without leaving you looking like a grease monster.
- My skin is very sensitive and as far as I am concerned, and it doesn't leave me with stings nor red patches which is good.


- Limited availability, but try your luck on online beauty stores.
- Scented. Some people would hate it, especially the ones with sensitive skin (I am too, but it doesn't do me any harm, so I guess see it for yourself.)

Repurchase? Most probably yes.
I would probably repurchase if within the next 2-3 months I haven't found any holy grail replacement.
It does the job really well but my skin is not married to it (yet).
Please let me know if you have any suggestion for me.

Would I recommend it to anyone? Yes, yes, and yes. Especially if you have oily/combination/sensitive skin, you would probably love it.

I rate it 4 out of 5.