Friday, April 28, 2017

The Boat That Rocked

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
You were gripping so hard onto me as I hugged you.
"Am I too close? Am I making you hard to breathe?" you asked.
Adjusting my breath inside of your embrace I smiled "It's okay. It's warm near you, I am fine"
Smiling, I looked at you from the corner of my eye.
My silly guy, who are you fooling? 
Are you clinging onto me to protect me - or to feel protected yourself?
But of course I don't say a word, a win-win situation for us.
You got to be clingy and I got to see how adorable you can be at times.
I was happy, your warmth was enough.

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
"The boat is shaking! The boat is shaking!" you yelled, waking me up.
"Of course it is. It has been like this these past few nights. It's normal."
"Yes but it is shaking! The Gods hate us! Look! The situation is unfavourable! We'll sink! We'll sink!" you were shaking me hard, shaking the boat even harder.
You threw tantrum, our utensils were scattered around, hurting you, hurting me.
I tried hard to stabilise our small boat.
Its got all the necessity, not grand, but enough for us to survive till we find the land.
Least we've got ourselves a boat, unlike those who jumped to the unknown, not being able to find their maps.
Oh talking about maps...
"Honey, it's normal like this. The ride is a bit shaky in this area, you know it. We had no way but to choose this path, remember? You accidentally throw the rest of the maps..wasn't really an accident, but hey, we're here, okay"
It really is not the time to dwell and be angry about the remaining maps isn't it.
But we chose this path because of you, least I need you to be calm. It would help.
"But it is scary here. The weather is terrible. The boat is shaking..." as you started to calm down after quite some time.
"It's okay. We'll get there soon. We have this map, okay? Now please help me by being a good boy, okay?" as I caressed your back trying to cover the pain from your tantrums earlier.
It has been like this for quite a while.
I don't know. Days? Weeks? Oh, months. It's been months.
If he didn't throw all the maps, we wouldn't be here.
But hey, being here is better than nowhere, at least I've got him, at least we have somewhere to go too.

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
"Look at where we are! We're sinking now! It's your fault! It's your fault we are here! We're sinking!"
Exhausted and hurt, I told you "Look, it wasn't me who destroy the maps, okay. We have no other choice. Besides, we're not sinking, this area is pretty tough...the wind.."
"We do! You brought us here. I opted out! I don't wanna be here! I opted out! I wanna go out!" you became hysterical.
"You destroy the maps. You couldn't control your anger. Now what? You're scared. The whole situation scares you - and you're not the only one, me too, I am scared too. But it's okay since we've got each other, yeah? Now stay still and be calm, okay? It's just the weather, okay? I am not going to blame you for the maps, but we're here because of you, so...stay calm, okay?"
Tired. Tired. Tired.
It wasn't me who deviate the paths.
It wasn't me who destroyed the maps.
But with you being like this, I've got no option but to be the bigger person.

Tired. Tired. Tired,
Of you putting the blame on me. Of you never appreciate everything I've done for you.
But if I do what you're doing right now, it won't do us any good.
I question you a lot, have you lost your mind out of fear?
I question myself a lot, have I been too naive thinking that you would never mean to hurt me?

Have you - I mean, lied to me about all of those? 
Promised land? Future? Safety?
No, no, you wouldn't lie to me about this. You're paranoid. 
You're scared and irrational, but you never meant to hurt me. 





"No! No! No! You can't stabilise this boat! You brought me into this area! You! Get out! Get out I've said" you began raging.
"But it wasn't me who brought us here. This situation, you've caused all of this. I forgave you, okay. I forgave you all along, so be calm, stay still...okay?"
"No! No! No! I don't remember saying that! Why are we here? WHY ARE WE HERE?"

Shocked, startled, saddened.
It was you who choose to jump into this boat with me.
It was you who proposed these routes of safety.
It was you who asked me to trust in you - and I did, despite what the authority and bureaucracy said, I did, and I took that curve on your lips, that glisten on your eyes, the exchange of conversation and ideas we had as a sign of entrustment. I trusted my heart in you.

As you came closer to me, ready to throw me off the boat, I asked
"Throwing me won't change a thing. You throw all the maps. We're here, it won't change a thing. Get back to your senses..okay? It won't change a thing, the weather, nothing."
"No! Get out! Get out! Get away from me!"

The wind was still angry, the sky was still pitch black, the water was dancing furiously around me.
And as the night swallow me whole, I've realised
It wasn't the lie that hurts - it was the fact that I am not worthy of your promises.
It wasn't the betrayal that hurts - it was me foolishly believing in the kindness that I thought I saw in you.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

My heart is redder than my cereal bowl and it's beating perfectly fine, thank you.

I devoured a bowl filled with chocolate puffs all drenched with almond milk.
It's 8 in the morning and I am in the corner of my bed, eating cereal and thinking of you.

In the last 5 years I've moved 7 times.
I tend to leave my cutlery and cooking utensils behind because they're more often cheaper brand new than assembling all that I had, put it in a box, and pays for movement fees.
I somehow don't think pans and woks perform as good as the first time I got it after a while.
Could be some scratches and rough edges that made me cringe, or maybe it's the excitement, an excuse for myself to cook in brand new utensils.

Either way, since I have been living alone, I don't need that many cutlery and utensils.
Always got myself brand new ones everytime I moved.
I changed the brand (depending on which city or country I lived, obviously), the size, the colour, but one thing I always get myself is a red bowl to eat my cereal with.
Any other things could be in any colour, but I always have a red bowl on my list.

Just like today, I am watching tiny chocolate puffs floating on off-white substance in a red bowl.
Red used to only be my colour preference when it comes to cereal bowl.
A weird, precise quirk, I know.
But nowadays, red made me think of you from time to time.

-

"Why red? Isn't green your favourite colour?" I asked as you slipped your feet in your well-worn Converse. My ex used to have a red Converse too, his ex gave it to him 2 weeks after he started seeing me, just a mere belated birthday present, she said. So seeing the same (but again, dustier and more well worn) shoes on your feet peaked my interest, and besides, if green is your favourite colour, why red?

"Oh this? This is green."

"Those are red." I started to think that you were making fun of me.

"This is green." you insisted, busy tying your left shoes.

"Are you colour blind? Because, boy, I was an art student. My eyes are great, there's no way I could've missed the colour spectrum." I started to get a little worked out. My deadlines has started to creeped on me, I guess.

"Uh...in fact, yes. Partially. I guess...uhm..it's hard to explain" then you started to went about a story of how your family had an argument because each and everyone saw a pair of sandals as different colours, making the other taking the wrong pair and whatnot.

"Wait, so when I am putting a red lipstick - which I have been doing lately, oxblood red, to be precise" I can see the confusion in your eyes "so what do you see? Do I look ridiculous? Grey lips? Green? Brown? What?" and even at this time I made it about my makeup, great I really dislike myself when I am overworked and tired.

"It's kind of hard to explain. It's a bit of hit and miss. There are times I could get a colour right. It's green, and it is. It's red, and right off the bet, it is red. But majority of the times it all gets confusing and mixed up"

Interesting.
I guess it depends on the spectrum and the colour mix, I guess now I know what kind of green I'd get you if I were about to buy you gifts.

"But green, isn't it your favourite colour?" I asked again. I mean come on, isn't it sad thinking that you're wearing your favourite colour only to know later on that it's the total opposite of the colour wheel?
It's as if you've deceived yourself, making a fool out of yourself......and of course I said that in my head.

"Yes! I like green. It's my favourite colour. Don't ask me why, I just love it. I know I am partially colour blind...uh, yeah but I just know I like greens. The colour, not the veggies."

I sighed as I caressed his face.
This kid.
So carefree and silly. Yet he said he'd protect me? Physically yes, he is indeed stronger in comparison to my frail body.
Other than that I'd easily beat him up in every aspect.
So silly.
So carefree and silly.

"...but now I have you, no? I don't know why I never think about this with my exes, funny enough I am never bothered to double check which colour I saw..." I can see you were enjoying me petting you for a while, you started to close your eyes "But now I have you, so you'd be my guide, telling me which colour is which!"


-

Silly little guy, claiming he'd protect me from all the harm in this world.
Telling me he'd guide my through stages, but little did he know, fast forward some times later, colour is not the only thing he'd look up for me in life - and I guess that's okay.

Isn't that's what love is? Protecting one another?
And for me, that's more than okay.

Swooned by love letters and sweet professes of how thankful he is to have me later on in life, far after the red shoes incident, my silly little guy.
Silly little thing, stealing my silly little heart.

I guess every time I look at my cereal bowl I will think of you, and that's okay too.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

To The Monster I Wasn't Once, This is for You.

Listen here and here,

Once upon a time I've decided to confide to a soul.
"This is the one" my Guardians said - and for certain period I thought I was the happiest.
Fate said I have to go, so I've decided to leave a part of me, knowing that he will guard it.
Off I went, with heart full of hope and trust in my baggage.

Once upon a time, my ship went through a stormy night, and I couldn't stop wondering about the other part of me.
I confide in him, therefor I had nothing to worry about, right?
I know he will keep it safe, after all I confide in him.
So I went inside of my deck and calmed my crew.

Once upon a time, after so many stormy nights, my crew has gotten weary.
'Stay with me' I said, holding the other part of me dearly inside my palm.
Every scholar has to go through so many exams, I thought to myself, all I needed to do is to be strong enough to pass one after another - I am tired, I am broken, I am dust and bones.
After all he was waiting for me, and I had to go back home, to him, to us.

Once upon a time, I stopped sailing the sea and the exams were over.
Water was never my home, but for once, our city feels foreign for me.
I could smell secrecy lingering around, but betrayal seems like a myth.
After all, I trust you, the very person I hold dear to me - there's no way you would hurt me, would you?

Once upon a time, in his territory, nothing reeks of him; it feels different and distant - were you even the same person I thought I knew?
They say dreams are the way the Universe speaks to us, and in my dream I stumbled next to a case 'To Be Disposed' written on top of it.
Curious, I opened it, and much to my surprise found the part I once confided in him.
For a split second my heart sunk, and I thought 'So this is what betrayal feels like'.

Once upon a time, it finally clicked in my head.
All the pain and sufferings, must've been done because I carry the burden of two.
All the tears and failures happened because someone decided to pull away from the string, and just like science has thought us well, the force threw the other who was holding on to it.
Just like all the emptiness and lack of connection must've happened because someone decided to shut the power off.

Once upon a time, deep inside my safe haven, the Guardians were taking notes, listing down his betrayal.
In my silence I was screaming, through my tears, my heart bled.
I didn't know which pain was more unforgivable;
The fact that you're denying me as part of you, consciously threw me off the cliff,
Or the fact that you watched me suffer and rot, yet choose to hide inside your fear; for your own 'safety',  for your own selfishness -  knowing you're the cause of it,



Once upon a time, there he was, struggling to make a solidity out of it.
You know what's funny about revelation? The information was never new.
A revelation would only happen once one has been enlightened, allowing a shift of new perspective.
He refused to acknowledge the beginning of this destruction - because you know you've caused it.
Instead, he shifted the focus, blaming me, raging on the bricks and wooden chunks that cut him - you forget this all the aftermath of what you've created?


Once upon a time they say my soul is older than him, but my dearest All Seeing One, please hear me for once & for all.
I am not here to be taken for granted, to carry the blame for getting hurt, and especially, not to be guarded by a betrayer.
Remember what they always say about disguise? It's always a self reflection.
I know forgiveness doesn't have an expiration dates, but what if the one who shall forgive has been stripped down from her home, her safe haven, her trust - and her very own ability to forgive?

Once upon a time, there I was, consumed by pain of betrayal, of lies, and deceives.
There he was, watching me patching up all the rotten bits being moulded into the monster that I am - least I was trying to survive.
A murmur came out from my lips, so soft it disguised itself as a whisper,
"Do you think we're worth saving?"
And then the sky turns grey, the water turns black, and the castle fell apart.