Friday, April 28, 2017

The Boat That Rocked

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
You were gripping so hard onto me as I hugged you.
"Am I too close? Am I making you hard to breathe?" you asked.
Adjusting my breath inside of your embrace I smiled "It's okay. It's warm near you, I am fine"
Smiling, I looked at you from the corner of my eye.
My silly guy, who are you fooling? 
Are you clinging onto me to protect me - or to feel protected yourself?
But of course I don't say a word, a win-win situation for us.
You got to be clingy and I got to see how adorable you can be at times.
I was happy, your warmth was enough.

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
"The boat is shaking! The boat is shaking!" you yelled, waking me up.
"Of course it is. It has been like this these past few nights. It's normal."
"Yes but it is shaking! The Gods hate us! Look! The situation is unfavourable! We'll sink! We'll sink!" you were shaking me hard, shaking the boat even harder.
You threw tantrum, our utensils were scattered around, hurting you, hurting me.
I tried hard to stabilise our small boat.
Its got all the necessity, not grand, but enough for us to survive till we find the land.
Least we've got ourselves a boat, unlike those who jumped to the unknown, not being able to find their maps.
Oh talking about maps...
"Honey, it's normal like this. The ride is a bit shaky in this area, you know it. We had no way but to choose this path, remember? You accidentally throw the rest of the maps..wasn't really an accident, but hey, we're here, okay"
It really is not the time to dwell and be angry about the remaining maps isn't it.
But we chose this path because of you, least I need you to be calm. It would help.
"But it is scary here. The weather is terrible. The boat is shaking..." as you started to calm down after quite some time.
"It's okay. We'll get there soon. We have this map, okay? Now please help me by being a good boy, okay?" as I caressed your back trying to cover the pain from your tantrums earlier.
It has been like this for quite a while.
I don't know. Days? Weeks? Oh, months. It's been months.
If he didn't throw all the maps, we wouldn't be here.
But hey, being here is better than nowhere, at least I've got him, at least we have somewhere to go too.

It was in the depth of night.
The wind was angry, the sky was pitch black, the water was dancing furiously beneath our boat.
"Look at where we are! We're sinking now! It's your fault! It's your fault we are here! We're sinking!"
Exhausted and hurt, I told you "Look, it wasn't me who destroy the maps, okay. We have no other choice. Besides, we're not sinking, this area is pretty tough...the wind.."
"We do! You brought us here. I opted out! I don't wanna be here! I opted out! I wanna go out!" you became hysterical.
"You destroy the maps. You couldn't control your anger. Now what? You're scared. The whole situation scares you - and you're not the only one, me too, I am scared too. But it's okay since we've got each other, yeah? Now stay still and be calm, okay? It's just the weather, okay? I am not going to blame you for the maps, but we're here because of you, so...stay calm, okay?"
Tired. Tired. Tired.
It wasn't me who deviate the paths.
It wasn't me who destroyed the maps.
But with you being like this, I've got no option but to be the bigger person.

Tired. Tired. Tired,
Of you putting the blame on me. Of you never appreciate everything I've done for you.
But if I do what you're doing right now, it won't do us any good.
I question you a lot, have you lost your mind out of fear?
I question myself a lot, have I been too naive thinking that you would never mean to hurt me?

Have you - I mean, lied to me about all of those? 
Promised land? Future? Safety?
No, no, you wouldn't lie to me about this. You're paranoid. 
You're scared and irrational, but you never meant to hurt me. 

"No! No! No! You can't stabilise this boat! You brought me into this area! You! Get out! Get out I've said" you began raging.
"But it wasn't me who brought us here. This situation, you've caused all of this. I forgave you, okay. I forgave you all along, so be calm, stay still...okay?"
"No! No! No! I don't remember saying that! Why are we here? WHY ARE WE HERE?"

Shocked, startled, saddened.
It was you who choose to jump into this boat with me.
It was you who proposed these routes of safety.
It was you who asked me to trust in you - and I did, despite what the authority and bureaucracy said, I did, and I took that curve on your lips, that glisten on your eyes, the exchange of conversation and ideas we had as a sign of entrustment. I trusted my heart in you.

As you came closer to me, ready to throw me off the boat, I asked
"Throwing me won't change a thing. You throw all the maps. We're here, it won't change a thing. Get back to your senses..okay? It won't change a thing, the weather, nothing."
"No! Get out! Get out! Get away from me!"

The wind was still angry, the sky was still pitch black, the water was dancing furiously around me.
And as the night swallow me whole, I've realised
It wasn't the lie that hurts - it was the fact that I am not worthy of your promises.
It wasn't the betrayal that hurts - it was me foolishly believing in the kindness that I thought I saw in you.