Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Jars of Nature, Nurture, and Growth

There's a void hole in my existence, 
in which I used to store a whole jar of patience, 
a jar of acceptance, 
and another jar of forgiveness.

Everyday I used it to nurture the love I have for you, 
for example, every time you spilled a tablespoon of my patience,
I rushed back and scoop another one.

Every time you throw away a whole cup of my acceptance
- or refused to accept me for who I am - what I like or dislike,
I went in and fill the jar up.

And every time you steal a portion of my forgiveness,
I went silent,
I listened to your plea, 
and I forgave you for every time you begged me to,
by taking each and every grain in my jar.

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Now I am running out of those three ingredients.
My love for you is suffering, at the edge of its life.

It has turned into an undead, a zombie for example.
Alive, feeding aggressively on any possible source of nutrition
- or else, it will wilt,
becoming one with other feelings who were thrown away,
taken for granted, or dying of exhaustion.


Yet here I am, striving and living my life
- so stop thinking whenever I refuse to forgive you, you're moving forward and I am not. 

But if that makes you feel better about yourself, go ahead, keep believing in that. 

My jars for you are no longer there because you've decided to destroy it.

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And now look at you, you're angry at me, 
at yourself, at us.

Because for once, you've realised that I am human 
- with my own limits, doubts, and fears.

Because the jars that supposed to feed you are no longer there
- no matter how many times you try to fill it up with similar ingredients, it wont be full.

Because now you can no longer blame me for your lack of self control
- you've decided to believe in your own lies,
telling yourself and telling me that I am guilt tripping you - but what for?

You're angry because the shattered pieces of my broken jars cut you off every time you try to fix us.

-

PS:
You shouldn't come asking for someone's forgiveness by offering them your own 'terms & conditions'.

You shouldn't come asking for another chance by saying and doing things halfheartedly.