Archived: The Defeat That Wasn't

Mood:

Svavar Knútur - Emotional Anorexia 
Ween - Things You Already Know

  

In your silver strains,

your crooked smile,

and your worn off shirt, I saw a defeat.

In plans about your works,

your project, your future endeavours,

and how they fall after you met me, I saw a defeat.

In the blood that stains your mouth,

your cold palms,

and the water that streams down my eyes, I saw a defeat.

In the voidness of the room,

the silent that bears my screams,

and the way I shake your being, I saw a defeat.

-

My dearest, dearest, darling,

If you and I were to be put in a war,

I'd be winning over your reign,

and you'd be losing over your throne.

My dearest, darling,

If you and I were to be put in a war,

a defeat and a heartbreak of one

would be a victory for another.

My dearest darling,

If we were to be put in a war,

I saw a defeat,

in the way we've lost us to our fate.

To the one who always say how lovely I look,

no matter how tired, messed up - or how many times I refuse to believe so.

To the one who's never tired fighting for me,

who woke me up from my emotional hibernation.

To the one who helped me grow, improve, and feel empowered,

who never stopped having faith in me.

To the one that matters,

the one that loves me unconditionally.

(PS: Let's watch Over The Garden Wall again, some other time)

Archived: Catatan Panjang Bulan Februari

Mood:
Love Paranoia by Tame Impala
Saliva by Mew

Ditengah gemuruh angin celotehmu memecah langit muram London.
Baru beberapa minggu setelah 2014 merelakan tahtanya ditumbang.
Yang awal mulanya keluh kesah tentang saudaramu, berubah jadi gelak tawa.

“Hari ini gue banyak ngomong ya?” tanyamu.

“Lumayan” tukasku seraya melihat rautmu  “Nggak papa sih, namanya juga lagi kesel kan” 

-

Sesekali timbul tanya dalam hati, tentangmu yang kerap menghabiskan waktu merajut kata dalam pikiran ketimbang menyuarakannya untuk didengar oranglain.

“Kapan terakhir kali kamu senyaman ini bercengkrama?" dan 

"Selain denganku, kepada siapa kamu bisa berbagi selepas ini?”

Lantas, ketika sempat kamu berucap mengenai gadis yang kau dekati
dan tidak juanya ia memenuhi jiwamu, ingin aku menyeletuk

“Lupa yang ngerti isi kepala & keabsurdan lo itu gue?"

Namun aku memilih diam.
Karena aku malas kalau guyonku disambut celotehmu yang kerap tajam.

Aku membiarkanmu terus bercerita.
Sesekali aku tergelak, mencibir, mengerenyitkan dahi.
Sesekali kamu membelalakan mata, menaikan suaramu, memimikan gelagat orang lain.
Waktu bergulir terburu-buru, matahari lekas dilahap kelam.
Dalam genggammu, jemariku mengecap hangat. 
Celotehmu berlanjut mengenai tulisanmu, 
bukumu, lebih tepatnya.

-

Lagi lagi kita tergelak,

Aku, dengan kencangnya, 

Kamu, dengan senyum lebar dan binar matamu.

Lucunya, disaat kita saling berujar & terbuka, begitu mudahnya kita bercengkrama,

seakan isi kepala satu sama lain saling bertaut. 

Nyaman. Aneh ya? Kututup dalam-dalam pikiran itu.

Yah namanya sudah kenal lama, wajar saja kalau nyaman.

Selera humormu masih sama.
Gerak gerikmu masih kaku.
Tidak semua orang bisa — atau mau mencoba, mengenalmu lebih.
Bagiku itu terasa mudah, seakan memang itulah yang seharusnya.

—

Mungkin kamu tahu sesuatu yang aku tidak ketahui.

Mungkin kita sama-sama tidak tau apa-apa.

Mungkin pada akhirnya kita memilih saling diam dan pura pura tidak tahu.

Sampai semua rasa hilang ditelan sunyi,

atau berubah jadi pahit kesalahpahaman.

-

Lalu dalam diam, terbesit dalam benakku sekiranya kamu tahu,
dahulu sempat ada manifestasi rasa rindu dan doa untuk kebaikanmu.
Begitu besar rasa sayang kita kepada satu sama lain, sampai kerap khayalakpun berdecak memuji. 
Kalau mereka saja bisa melihat, apalagi kita yang saling merasa?

Setidaknya akupun merasa dan melihat hal tersebut, karena sempat begitu besarnya usahaku memperjuangkan kita.
Begitu besarnya rasa sayang kita pada satu sama lain dan begitu kerasnya kita pernah terbentur.

Sejujurnya (mungkin) kita sudah terlalu nyaman seperti ini.
Sepertinya kekosonganmu sudah terisi oleh egomu, and semakin angkuh - namun ringkih, sosokmu di mataku.
Akupun mulai mengesampingkan perasaanku, lalu menukarnya dengan logika — atau, sesama ego.

Mungkin ribuan kata, gelak tawa, guratan kening, 
rengkuhan lengan dan tautan jemari belum jadi alasan yang cukup kuat.
Mungkin seberapa besarpun keinginanku untuk mengasihi dan membiarkan waktu dan perhatianku kau curi,

rasa takut dan pertimbanganku nyatanya lebih besar.

Ada yang bilang kalau jodoh tak akan kemana.
Diantara segala kecocokan kita, sempat aku berfikir apakah mungkin saja,

“Semesta masih memperjuangkan kita, anak manusia yang mungkin terlalu lugu?
Terlalu buta?
Terlalu keras hati?”

Setelah mengecup dirimu saat itu pula aku tersadar, kamu bukan lagi sosok yang aku inginkan.

Aku butuh sosok yang lebih kuat dari kamu yang dulu kukenal.

Bukan hanya untuk bertahan, tetapi saling melindungi.

Bukan hanya melindungi diri, tetapi berani merebut dan menjaga isi hatiku.

Bukan hanya untuk berucap logika, tapi berbagi isi hati.

Saat itu aku sadar kamu bukan lagi sosok yang aku mau.
Aku tersadar aku terlalu takut dihantam oleh rasa sakit yang sama, 
maka  aku mengesampingkan pertanyaanmu beberapa hari kemudian.

Mungkin suatu hari, di saat kita sudah sama-sama dewasa dengan kesibukan masing-masing,
Di saat luka sudah mengering,
Cerita kita akan muncul ditengah percakapan,
Kemungkinan besar, dengan guyon yang dipaksa nyempil di sana sini.

Because hey, that's what you do best, no?
Covering everything with humour
making people think as if their matter is not important.
You're that person who is never direct about your feelings.

-

Akhirnya, bagaimanapun kita, khalayak dan Tuhan sekalipun malaikat menyayangkan dan mempertanyakan,
apa artinya bila kita akhirnya hanya memilih berenang-renang di air dangkal pertemanan, 
takut dengan kelam laut didepan mata?

Ah sudahlah. Cukup.
Jemariku ini pun sudah mulai pegal rasanya.
Akupun tahu ada perbedaan diantara wanita yang menyerah, dan wanita yang memang berjuang hingga lelah.

Saat ini aku menutup hati sembari membuka celah kecil agar aku bisa melihat petarung lainnya. 
Yang rela mati-matian memperjuangkanku. 
Yang perhatiannya tidak membuatku merasa sangsi dengan perasaannya.
Yang menjadikanku pusat dari tata surya mereka - posisi di mana aku sempat menempatkanmu.
Yang berani menaruh gengsi di bawah perasaan - tidak seperti kamu. 

Dasar kamu bodoh. Dasar kamu pengecut.

Tulisan ini,
Untuk segala kemungkinan dan ketidakmungkinan.
Untuk segala puji-pujian dari khalayak, betapa baik dan indahnya bila kita bersama.

Untuk segala rasa takut, rasa nyaman, rasa candu, dan perasaan lainnya
yang mungkin atau tidak mungkin, masih tersangkut di sela sela kalimat dan jemari. 

Kucing Pemabuk di Unit Gawat Darurat

Mood:
Open by Rhye
Didn't I by Darondo (cover by HONNE)

Wanita berbalut terusan putih menyiapkan jarumnya
Tak lama bulir merah nadiku mengalir melawan gravitasi
Menandakan dua jam lagi semua di ruang ini hendak tau penyebab tumbangku

Aku masih menyayangimu, ucapmu tiba-tiba
Terkejut, terlampau kalut untuk berbasa basi
Meracaulah aku menutupi kelu lidah

-

"Sial, sial, sial - telepon genggamku dibawanya ke luar."

Aku panik dan kaku

Kuacak-acak isi tasku

Kuputar-putar ujung rambutku

Dari ekor mata, curi-curi kupelajari sosokmu

"Jangan ngomel begitu, main ini dulu saja, buat Hanna, disimpan ya."

Sebongkah mainan dalam genggammu

Miniatur kucing menggengam segelas minuman - sake

Aku sadder betul kali ini lekat gerakku diperhatikan

Dari ekor mata, kamu melihatku bagai kajian

Aku menerka perihal kucing pemabuk itu 

Simbolmu melihatku? Kado yang kamu persiapkan?

Sekedar distraksi panik yang kebetulan saja -

Ingat ya, kebetulan saja, kamu si pecinta kucing, dan aku si penikmat minuman keras?

Pikiranku meracau namun patuh bersembunyi dalam relung

Dan detik ini baru mengucur berbentuk kata dalam layar

Karena nyatanya aku sama pengecutnya denganmu

Terlalu pengecut untuk tahu dan mencari tahu

-

Ratusan malam berlalu sejak kita memutuskan yang terbaik adalah saling berjarak
Puluhan minggu terlewat sejak surat terakhir berisi penjelasan seadanya

Tanpa pamit, tanpa mencoba mencari tahu, hanya praduga dan diam
Namun subuh itu, di instalasi gawat darurat, berkali kamu belai rambutku

Sesak dadaku saat itu dipastikan bukan didalangi sakit yang tertulis dengan tinta

Dan nyatanya tak mungkin saat itu aku merengek pada dokter perihal cinta
Berkali kata 'sayang' kamu luncurkan, terjun bebas sesuka hati
Tak lama namaku dipanggil - sembari kekasihku menunggu dengan nikotinnya di luar, kamu menggantikan posisinya

-

"Jujur saja, melihat Hanna sekarang aku tenang - akhirnya.
Senang melihat kamu dilimpahi kasih sayang.
Awalnya aku agak was-was,
Khawatir yang jelas."

"Nggak perlu khawatir, kamu selalu berlebihan, ya.
Aku kan kuat, tahan banting, jagoan katamu.
.....

Lagian, kamu, kok bisa-bisanya sih masih nyimpan perasaan sama aku?"

"Lah, kayaknya orang yang naruh hati sama kamu, 
kalau nggak bisa berpaling,
ya cari pengganti, pakai kamu jadi pembanding.

Pertanyaanku, kamu pakai pelet apa ya?"

"Ih, jahat banget.
Udah dibilang nggak pake pelet apa-apa juga."

"Hahahaha bercanda.
Eh sebentar, aku ke suster dulu,
Nama kamu dipanggil"

-

Satu sisi, ada rasa tak pantas karena begitu baiknya semesta
Oleh orang-orang baik - kamu contohnya

Besar aku dilimpahi sayang

Bukan tak tahu terima kasih, tapi kulempar tanya alih-alih tafsirku keliru

Sisi lain, mungkin nampak serakah, namun aku bahagia karena kamu masih memendam rasa

Tepatnya, membiarkan aku tahu perihal rasa yang kukira sudah mati
Terus-terus dibelai rambutku sampai gelap malam diganti mentari yang berbisik malu

Bahkan ketika kekasihku datang, hanya tersenyum dia berbisik 'ada yang belum bisa berpaling?'

"Aku sayang kamu, perasaan itu masih ada, 
walau sekarang sudah berubah bentuknya.

Tidak ingin menjadikan kamu kekasih.

Sudah cukup senang melihat kamu bahagia dengannya."

Lalu mendengar itu aku hanya bisa tertegun. 

Aku rasa hening yang bisa memberi jawaban terbaik untuk pernyataanmu itu.

-

Terimakasih sudah sempat merawatku dengan segala keterbatasan waktumu di sini.
Sudah memberitahukan sisa-sisa perasaanmu.
Sudah memberikan penjelasan dan kejelasan untukmu, dan untukku.
Terimakasih atas kejujuranmu.

Tulisan ini, untukmu ribuan kilometer di sana.
Semoga kamu juga bahagia dengan pilihanmu.


PS: Mereka (iya, termasuk kekasihku) yang meninggalkanku di ruang gawat darurat bersamamu ternyata tahu kamu (masih) menyimpan rasa sama aku, kekasihkupun sempat-sempatnya bilang lucu melihat matamu nggak bisa bohong.

PPS: Kekasihku? Nggak, dia nggak sebal sama kamu.
Malah dia kagum sama keberanianmu, kalau sempat nanti kita kumpul-kumpul lagi ya?
Kalau bisa jangan di instalasi gawat darurat.

Come and stay, I have piles of stories to share.

Mood:
Sleepwalk by Santo & Johnny Fariana (1959) (click)
Jim James - State Of The Art (A.E. I. O. U.) (click)

So back then when I was turning 23, I realised I've been into this digital age of sharing bits of my thoughts and feelings through the screen for over - let's say - presumably a decade.

I met, lost, and rekindle, with lots of souls throughout the years.
Spent a good amount of ups and downs and ready for more to come.
I fear a lot and worry even more.
I just somehow can't wait to see how I'll develop as a woman,
as a person, as a soul.

I used to take a lot of photos - and I love it.
Even that word 'love' itself is an understatement.
Young Hanna thought that taking pictures means making her own time machine,
no matter how much time passed, people or places change, it preserves the memory - and she found that to be impeccably beautiful.
It's just so happened that knitting words is her second love, a close competitor after taking photos.

Now I'm older and well aware that my memory serves to save, yet there are things that I can't just fumble forever - like conversations, places, memories that would be forgotten, eventually replaced.

So there I was, pinning down words from my head, to papers, through my pen.

Assembling paragraphs from my thoughts, to my screen, through my fingers.

For quite some time I keep everything for myself, archived and hidden.
(the story behind this? I'll get into that later on....probably.)

My head is crowded with threads of thoughts and files of memories.
I want to document my life. I want to see how I develop.
As a woman. As a human. As a soul.
I want to make my tiny time machine, grazed with pictures,
laced with words, sealed with memories and feelings that fizzled into it.

Now everything I'm putting on the screen might be just a mere fraction,
a tiny part of what was, is, and will be going on inside of me,
but nevertheless, I am letting you to take a peek, inviting you in.

Come and stay around, make yourself feel at ease,
I'm starting by putting out some old archives of mine.

-

PS: this particular writing/ramble is dedicated to a really, really close person in my life, who forced me to carry on with it after reading through emails regarding my writings.
Now I'm getting back on my bandwagon,
I'm doing it for me, and I am thanking her for that.

The Jars of Nature, Nurture, and Growth

There's a void hole in my existence, 
in which I used to store a whole jar of patience, 
a jar of acceptance, and another jar of forgiveness.

Everyday I used it to nurture the love I have for you.

As an example, every time you spilled a tablespoon of my patience,
I would rush back and scoop another one.

Every time you throw away a whole cup of my acceptance
- or refused to accept me for who I am - what I like or dislike, I would went in and fill the jar up.

And every time you steal a portion of my forgiveness,
I went silent,
I listened to your plea, 
and I forgave you for every time you begged me to,
by taking each and every grain in my jar.


Now I am running out of those three ingredients.

My love for you is suffering, at the edge of its life.

It has turned into an undead, a zombie.
Alive, feeding aggressively on any possible source of nutrition
- or else, it will wilt,
becoming one with other feelings who were thrown away,
taken for granted, or dying of exhaustion.

Now my jars what what fills them are no longer there because you've decided to destroy them - taking them for granted.

Look at you, you're angry at me, at yourself, at us.

Because for once, you've realised that I am human 

- with my own limits, doubts, and fears.

Because the jars that supposed to feed you are no longer there

- no matter how many times you try to fill it up, it won't be the same.

You're angry because the shattered pieces of my broken jars cut you off every time you try to fix us.

-

PS:
You shouldn't come asking for someone's forgiveness by offering them your own 'terms & conditions'.

You shouldn't come asking for another chance by saying and doing things halfheartedly.

On The Shelf: Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum Review

On my ask.fm I began posting this specific photo whenever people ask stuffs about skincare/makeup items. I've got quite a lot of interests regarding 3 particular products: the blush, the red tube, and the winner; the green bottle.

With that being said, I kept on answering the product's name; Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum, and its availability - which as far as I know from a friend of mine, a beauty editor, hasn't been legally distributed here in Indonesia. 

(But of course you can get them if you're willing to snoop around online beauty stores)

Since the question is quite repetitive, I once promised a review for this serum will be mashed into one blog post.

So here we go, my first ever skincare/beauty product review.

Product's name: Innisfree Green Tea Seed Serum.

Price: forgot how much did it cost in Korean won, but it's available for 26$ (some online shops here sell it for around IDR 270,000 - 320,000)

Use: written as serum, but I honestly just use it as daily moisturizer. 

General product review:

- Smells okay, good but not great. Tried several Innisfree product which scent I like better.

- Consistency is quite runny, slightly gel-like.

- The colour is greyish, not crystal clear, but won't affect the outcome of your makeup. 

- Absorbed very quickly into skin and doesn't leave it feeling sticky. 

- One or two pumps are enough to cover the entire face. 

Pros: 

- Very affordable. I didn't know it was 80ml until I've read the packaging, since it's not bulky at all. 

I have been using it for the last 8 months and I still have around 30% left. 

- With that being said, it's travel friendly. The bottle is rather small and light. The pump and cap will avoid any leaking. Definitely won't shatter and leaving your heart broken if you accidentally drop it since it is not made out of glass.

- It does the job really well. Moisturise without leaving you looking like a grease monster.

- My skin is very sensitive and as far as I am concerned, and it doesn't leave me with stings nor red patches which is good.

Cons:

- Limited availability, but try your luck on online beauty stores.

- Scented. Some people would hate it, especially the ones with sensitive skin (I am too, but it doesn't do me any harm, so I guess see it for yourself.)

Repurchase? Most probably yes.

I would probably repurchase if within the next 2-3 months I haven't found any holy grail replacement.
It does the job really well but my skin is not married to it (yet).
Please let me know if you have any suggestion for me.

Would I recommend it to anyone? Yes, yes, and yes. Especially if you have oily/combination/sensitive skin, you would probably love it.

I rate it 4 out of 5.